Understanding the Behavior Behind the Behavior
Understanding the Behavior Behind the Behavior
There’s a moment many parents know all too well.
Your child is having a meltdown.
Voices get louder. Emotions rise.
And from the outside, it can look like defiance, refusal, or “bad behavior.”
And inside, you might be thinking:
Why is this happening?
If you’ve ever felt confused, frustrated, or even judged in those moments—you’re not alone.
Because what looks like behavior on the surface is often something much deeper underneath.
Behavior Is Communication
One of the most important shifts a parent can make is this:
Behavior isn’t random.
Behavior is communication.
Children—especially those with additional needs—don’t always have the words, regulation, or skills to express what’s happening internally.
So it comes out externally.
Example:
A child throws a toy across the room.
It may look like aggression.
And underneath, it could be:
Frustration from not being understood
Sensory overload
Difficulty transitioning between activities
Fatigue or hunger
The behavior is the signal.
The cause is the message.
Looking Beneath the Surface
When we only respond to the behavior, we often miss the reason behind it.
And when we understand the reason, our response changes.
Instead of asking:
“Why are they acting like this?”
We begin asking:
“What are they trying to tell me?”
Example:
A child refuses to go into a classroom.
It may appear oppositional.
And it could actually be:
Anxiety about a specific activity
Overstimulation from noise or lights
Social stress or fear of failure
That shift—from reaction to curiosity—can change everything.
The Pattern Beneath the Pattern
Behavior often follows patterns.
When parents start noticing those patterns, clarity begins to emerge.
Ask yourself:
When does this behavior usually happen?
What happened right before it?
What changed in the environment?
Example:
A child consistently has meltdowns after school.
At first glance, it might seem like daily defiance.
And over time, a pattern appears:
They’ve been holding it together all day.
They feel safe enough at home to release it.
That’s not misbehavior.
That’s emotional overflow.
Regulation Before Expectation
Another powerful insight:
A child who is dysregulated cannot access logic, reasoning, or instruction effectively.
In those moments, the goal isn’t correction.
It’s connection.
Example:
Instead of saying, “Calm down right now,”
you might:
Lower your voice
Offer a calming space
Sit beside them quietly
Once regulation returns, learning can happen.
What Support Can Look Like
Understanding behavior doesn’t mean allowing everything.
It means responding in a way that teaches skills rather than just stopping actions.
Support might look like:
Teaching communication strategies
Creating predictable routines
Reducing sensory triggers
Practicing coping tools
Over time, children build the ability to express needs in safer, clearer ways.
The Emotional Side for Parents
Let’s be real.
Even when you understand all of this, it can still feel exhausting.
There are moments of:
Frustration
Doubt
Feeling like you’re getting it wrong
And those feelings are valid.
Because you’re not just managing behavior—
you’re trying to understand another human being in real time.
That takes patience, energy, and heart.
A Final Thought
If you’re navigating challenging behaviors right now, here’s what I want you to remember:
Your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time.
They’re having a hard time.
And when you begin to look beneath the behavior,
you create space for understanding, connection, and growth.
You don’t have to decode everything perfectly.
You just have to stay curious, stay present, and keep showing up.
Because when behavior is understood,
support becomes more effective—and progress becomes possible.
Drew Deraney - The Caregiver Coach
PS... Whenever you're ready, here's how I can help you make progress faster:
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